Conversations with You

I wish You were closer. I wish that we talked more.  I wish that this life didn’t strain our relationship. I wish that I trusted Your plan more.  I have so many questions for You, most of which I suppose You will never be able to answer the way I want You to.  Telling others I’ll talk to You for them feels like such an empty phrase lately. And You being you, You know that’s true.

But then You pull through. Just last week I asked for Your help and You granted it.  It may have taken 9 weeks, but You seemed to listen to me about that young women who is so dear to me, too. And the other dear one with the recent broken heart. Yes, yes, maybe You did bring them the peace I asked for, the love I requested.  That had to have been You, right?

Though no matter how much I talk to You, You don’t seem to listen to me when it comes to him.  Maybe I don’t talk to You about him all that much though.  You know how I’ve always avoided it – the pain is too much but it sits on my shoulder, causing my shoulders to hunch over and the corners of my mouth to turn down.  Tears form at childhood scenes and one word floods my mind: “Why?” One question, pestering and festering like an illness without a cure. I hear it from her, too. He caused her pain, too, after all, and that question fills her mind with a never-lifting fog. I guess I’m not the only one who is sitting here with scars, however much they may have healed yet ache when the memories flood.

Can I come talk to You?  Will You listen?  Maybe it’s up for me to listen, to open my ears and accept Your Word and Your love.  Will You bring me the comfort I need, the peace that I seek for concerns for the future? Will You protect my heart? That’s what I need most – for You to protect my heart. It’s at such a risk for breaking and shattering and coming undone. From splitting open and never being mended.

So, will You.

Protect.

My. Heart?

Please.

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Arm in Arm

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They walked past me with quiet smiles, arm in arm with coffee cups in their free hands. All on a chilly winter’s morning like any other school day.

One of my duties at school is to man a post outside for intake duty, every other day.  My presence is supposed to deter students coming from the bus drop-off point from taking a short cut to one of the buildings that, if they did take it, would bring them in the path of the numerous cars of parents who drive their little scholars to school.  I see a significant number of my own students at this time, most still with sleep in their eyes and bulging backpacks.  One of the last buses to come brings the arrival of two of my 10th graders, quiet but sweet girls who are very clearly close friends.  They always share sincere smiles as they walk by, sometimes asking questions that pertain to class, but mostly just exchanging an early morning greeting.

Something struck me about them the other day though.  They’re different, somehow a bit more removed from the foolishness that I often observe as a middle/high school teacher and that yet, I can relate to. There’s an element of sincerity between them.  With arms interlocked, it dawned on me how they were just being present with each other. At 7:45 on a Friday morning. Enjoying a moment with a friend.

Seeing them the other day made me think of all the friends with whom I have had moments like that. Late night chats in a residence hall lounge. Night time conversations with a roommate while the lights are off and we’re both in our beds. Walks through Boston with a childhood best friend back from the bar, spilling our hearts out over concerns for the future.  Tear-filled sessions in the Chapel. Impromptu dance parties. There are some whom have fallen out of my life and others of whom I have stayed strongly connected with, but who are now “scattered to the four winds” across the country.  Even though life has changed beyond anyone’s imagination in a matter of years, the friends remain.  How simple yet complicated life was just a few years ago. How much was to be learned and experienced.  How much we would be there for each other and how much remains for us to be at each others’ sides for.  The same kind of scene I observed between these two girls could have been said of me at a similar time:  “They walked  arm-in-arm through the halls of the sprawling high school. Giggling over inside jokes and stressing over what was to come.”  Years later, one could observe, “They walked arm-in-arm across campus, planning coffee dates and shopping trips.” And the words will continue to apply in the future, at weddings and baby showers, graduations and housewarmings, and just ordinary visits with those dearest to us whom life transports to new places near and far.

cait

Childhood best friends

…they walk arm-in-arm, sharing a moment with a friend.

Memory Box

memorybox

I bought a box.

And in it I placed letters-to-self, name-tags from various functions, cards from home, and pamphlets from everything from the annual Mass of the Holy Spirit to programs from my friends’ presentations at their English major colloquium.  I believe that this relatively small collection will sum up four years of my life when I go through it with my future children, or maybe in a few years with a glass of wine in my hand.  I’m ashamed to admit that for months, three shopping bags have sat in the corner of my bedroom, mostly untouched since May 12th, waiting for me to comb through them and decide what is vital to my memories of the best period of my life thus far.  Sure, I shifted these from place to place on my bedroom floor, and one used to hide in the back of my closet as it contained items from the beginning of college, but more or less I have ignored them because I feared the wave of emotions that would accompany the process of going through each little piece of my life.

But in the past few days, the mess finally got to me. I opened the bags and sorted it all.

And amazingly, I survived.

I got a little choked up while sorting through the bags, like when I read a Candlelight prayer reflection I wrote at the end of my sophomore year about saying goodbye to two dear friends who would be graduating that spring.  But mostly I laughed and marveled at the growth and major accomplishments that each item represented.   Some brought images of people that hadn’t entered my mind in a long time, memories of a time when the real world seemed like a generation away.  And others brought up moments that feel like they just happened yesterday – has it really been nearly 8 months since I shared an apartment with five of the most hilarious, fun-loving, and supportive people I have ever met??  But naturally, a few items came to represent bigger moments or especially fun memories, and those are the ones I’d like to share:

1. Glowstick

Contrary to first impressions in listing this as one of my favorite items, I am by no means, and never have been, in the habit of going to raves.  No, this little formerly glowing green glowstick came from my first college party down in “the Valley” – the center of all the action at AC (especially to underclassmen) – that I went to with a friend during freshman year.  We felt SO cool, chatting with the older senior boys that we knew and sipping minimal amounts of jungle juice (“Isn’t that the stuff everyone always warns you about??” we said to each other), and when we told our other friends about our adventure the next day, I think we definitely had way too much pride in our newly discovered rule-breaking ways.

2. Notes

Personal favorite from one of my dearest friends and senior year roommate, written during sophomore year on a sticky note I found on my door after I woke up: “Briotch! I was here and you were sleeping. ❤ A”.  I’m fairly certain that it’s notes like these that will continue to make me laugh no matter how old I am when I crack this box open.

3. Official Letters

Acceptances to the Campus Ministry Core Team.  Notification of my roommate group’s approval to live in the LLC. Official notice of being a recipient of the Crown and Shield Award.  These letters marked very significant parts of my undergraduate experience.  But I also kept the rejection letters, too.  Because who doesn’t need to be humbled every now and then and reminded that you can’t get it all, but that in no way makes you a failure.  Everything happens for a reason, so those rejection letters provide memories of the opportunities that came about even though I didn’t get what I at one point wanted so terribly.

4. 22nd Birthday Cards

In a word, hilarious. My 22nd was probably my favorite birthday EVER.  Even better than my 21st. My roommates and I had a huge party, for which they decorated the apartment like crazy, my best friend from home came for the festivities, and it just so happened to be Alumni Weekend, so some of my favorite ex-seniors were in Worcester to join in on the celebration.  These cards reminded me of so much laughter and friendship from people who I sadly don’t get to see all that often any more.  I had a BLAST – I wore a new sparkly dress and danced my little heart out while running all over and trying to see all my favorites.  And those cards reminded me of all the friends that had surrounded me on that day, which was the exact opposite of the kind of birthday I had this year, on which I worked and went to class and felt like I had hurriedly answered birthday texts all day on my sparse downtime.  And since this year’s birthday felt so lonely, it warmed my heart to be reminded of all those who had surrounded me with love and fun just a year before, and just because they weren’t there this year doesn’t mean their love still isn’t present in my life.

5. Senior Week Bracelet

Neon yellow-green. Black font. The ticket to all fun and games of the week right before graduation.  Cutting off that bracelet just prior to Baccalaureate Mass that Friday was definitely the end of an era, however short that era actually was.  And that’s all I think I’m going to say about that….

6. Retreat materials

Without a doubt, these will always bring tears and the realization of how far I have actually come in faith and in being myself.  Everything from homemade place-mats to talks I gave to journals responding to the experiences I had while on retreat help to paint a picture of who I was and who I became in four short years, and how my faith brought me along that journey.  And no matter what life brings me, I know these items will always fill me with START LOVE.

***

I suspect the box will stay shut for a time; however, I know full well that I’ll dig it out and review so many happy times and periods of growth.  But I also know that I will very likely have to buy more boxes in the future to fit all the other memories that are sure to be made in the years ahead.

Bidding Adieu to 2012

(www.flipandstyle.com)

When I was younger, I liked to journal around the end of the year and do my own personal “Year in Review.”  Those seeking secrets can comb through the various journals to find what notable events happened in my life in February 2006, for example, or at any point during my senior year in high school.  I lost enthusiasm for the tradition a few years back though, but since this is my first New Year’s with a blog, I figure what better way than to revive that habit here?

2012.  For years, the idea of this year inhabited a far-off corner of my mind as the year in the future during which I would graduate college, and as such, it seemed so distant.  But a year ago at this point in time, the clock struck midnight and suddenly reality sunk in that many cherished parts of my life would come to an end.  But I don’t think I had any concept of all that would begin, either.  For in one year’s time, while I did see the endings in the form of the accomplishment of some major goals, including earning a Bachelor’s degree and completing an undergraduate thesis, I embarked on several new and exciting moments, too.

The first is the teaching career I have longed dreamed of.  I went to the wedding of a friend from high school a few weeks ago where I was reunited with a few old friends and acquaintances from high school.  Those I had lost touch with expressed a similar sentiment to me: “You’re teaching!!! That’s what you always wanted to do!!”  And there was something so refreshing and inspiring in that.  It’s so easy to become bogged down in the everyday stress of my first-year of teaching, and to have a reminder of that long-held dream was warmly welcomed to give me the refreshment I needed to get me through the second half of this long but fruitful year.

I also started graduate school.  While I openly admit I am not the student I once was, which I suspect is the case with anyone who pursues a degree while working full-time, it sometimes gives me chills to think how in a relatively short period of time I will be one step further along in my career.  Whenever I am on campus for class, I often overhear conversations of undergraduates and marvel at how that was me not too long ago – it seems so distant and yet it is not at all.

But I have also begun adulthood more fully this year, a less tangible beginning than a career or an education, but all the more important in many ways.  Here I am, juggling work and school and responsibilities and friendships with people scattered literally all over the country, as life often spreads those closest to you at varying geographic distances.  In many ways, it is so incredibly scary to think how much more adulthood will bring within the coming years: more bills, more duties at work, my own place to live, relationships, maybe even a family.  And as scary as it is, it so incredibly exciting.  There is so much unknown that is waiting to be discovered, and while, with every unknown, there are sure to be challenges and disappointments, I also know from experience that some of the most beautiful blessings come from the unknown as well.

I will always have nostalgia for the year that was 2012, a year that started with living amongst some of the greatest friends in the world with whom I made happy memories on a constant basis and that ended amidst newness and transition. But here’s to 2013, a year that will hopefully bring many more beginnings and exciting and memorable moments in life with friends and family.